Saturday, September 27, 2008
Did I really do that?
Sept. 14th has come and gone. SO many months of training all for that one day. Was it worth it? It was amazing! It was so worth it. I did my olympic triathalon and felt the most amazing feeling of acomplishment. I have not written yet about it because I wanted to put some pics up and was waiting on those. Ill get them soon and add them. I started the race with my mile swim. When I got in I was so so so nervous. While I was swimming in the potomac I was in race mode but decided that I just wanted to have fun, take it in and enjoy how far I have come on the journey to take back my life. As soon as I decided that during the swim I had a blast! After the swim I hopped right onto my bike for a 24 mile ride. We rode past a lot of the sights of DC and out into georegtown. When I got on my bike I heard a yell for me and saw it was my friend Traci. It was so great to see her and it really gave me a push to go. The ride was great so fun and I couldnt believe how fast it went. I had a bad cold but thanks to Zicam and being able to blow my nose in my hand the whole bike ride I was okay. If you think that is gross you should see half the things other people do during triathlons! After the bike I got off and started my 6.2 mile run. It was blaring hot, felt like we were back in the middle of the summer. The course has no shade so we were all miserable. I kept praying and Heavenly Father blessed me so much. I did not want to walk and finish the race not feeling like I worked my hardest. So I imagined all the people I knew who had passed away of cancer (which is the cause I was racing for) or just close friends who have passed for other reasons. When i got tired, I asked them to take over for me and they did. They carried me through a lot of it and I am so greatful for that. Another blessing I had along the run was a lady named Cindy. We started to run together and encouraged each other the whole time. I told her that I had lost 100 pounds and that this was my moment of "I really did it". She was amazed and kept reminding me when I was tired why I was doing this and how easy this is compared to all I have been through. She was definitially a gift from God. We lost each other for a little bit but found each other for the last little while of the race. The last 50 meters were HORRIBLE so close to the end but still it seemed so far, we couldnt walk, to many peopel around :) we encouraged each other through the end and we crossed the finish line together. At the finish line I saw my dad right away. It was so great to have him there to celebrate with me. He and I relaxed for a little bit, I stretched made him take pictures, and waited for Cliff to find us. I talked to mom who could not come cuz she had major knee issues going on. Man what an amazing feeling. We then were supposed to take a shuttle back to our bikes and ride our bikes 3 miles to the hotel where the cars were. Instead I wrode mine a few blocks to the metro and went home with Cliff. My groin and my neck were sore that night, I got a fever and my cold really sunk in. The next day I was not to sore and life was great. I am so blessed that my cold held out until the race was over. Heavenly Father definitially watched out for me! Once Cliff and I got back to his place we packed him up and he left for Arizonia first thing the next morning. It was hard to see him go and I miss being with him all the time but really this has been good for us. It has been 2 weeks and we talk a lot during the day. We are able to see how our relationship hold up when all we have is communication. It has only strengthened us. His sister is a flight attendant and flies into dulles every week. We send little gifts for each other back and forth with her. It is so fun to wait in antisipation during the week to see what we each will get and see how the other one reacts when they get what we sent. On Thursday I am flying out to AZ meeting him and then we are driving up to salt lake. I am excited to meet his friends and have him meet mine. I wish he could spend more time with my family, they are all spread so far out that it is hard. He says that if they are anythign like my dad, he will love them. He thinks my dad is helarious. ANyway it is almost 1 am. I know I am rambling again. Just so much excitting, hard and great things going on to share wiht you all.Hope all is well!
Monday, September 8, 2008
The trip
Well we just got back from our adventures this weekend. Cliff and I got on the plane at 6 am. We wanted me to be suprised so we were seing how far we could get without me finding out where we were going. I had on noide reduction headphones and he checked us in, carried the tickets through security and made sure everyone we came to knew not to say the destination out loud. We went to JFK to transfer planes. At one point I saw a sign that said long beach, so I thought maybe that is where we were going. We were on the plane and Cliff told me where we were going, or at least where he had me believing we were going. He said that we were flying into pheonix to get the rental car, then going to tiawana and staying on the beach in a over the water bungalo (which he knows is my dream to stay in one of those for my honeymoon, but in Tahiti). Then we were going to go drive up the california coast to a bed and breakfast in wine country, which I thought was wierd since neither of us drink. He made sure he said that we woudl just swoosh the wine around in our mouths then spit it out. LOL. Then we would head back to Pheonix stop and meet his family for a little bit and head home. THat story lasted until I started saying well arnt we going to stop and see your famiy when we get there to begin with? DOnt you want to see your dogs ext. His reply "babe this is your weekend so if you want to we can but it is all about you this weekend" Yeah I know I am dating a sales man.
So then he slipped and said something about "when we get to my parent house". I caught him, he covered it up, then when we got to phoenix he said just kidding we really are not doing that stuff. After I got over my disapointment for the bungalo I was excitted to find out what we were doing. First we went to his parents and got settled in, that is where we stayed the whole trip. We then went to the lake where his family had a BBQ for me. We swam in the water and had a great time. Later that night we just relazed and I had a chance to spend some one on one time with his father then his mother, then his sister. It was great to get to know them and see how well we all related. During the converstanion with his sister we were talking about how the innocence and the way we view the world is changing due to the happenings in the world. We talked about how great it would be if we could trust other people enough to live in a world with the innocence and "rose colored glasses" while knowing at the same time they will not decive or take advantage of us. I said to her that I felt like I could live in a world like that with Cliff. As soon as I said it I got goose bumps all over and almost started crying. It was so wierd! I never feel emotions to that extent. Now dont get me wrong I know that Cliff is far from perfect, but I also know that he wears who he is on his sleeves.. the great, the good and the bad. THe he is who he is and that he is not going to decieve you into beliving otherwise. (that is unless he is trying to give you a suprise weekend)
It was so great to have that experience and feel that complete level of trust for him, esp. since my track record when it comes to trusting guys is not very strong.
His dad is 81 and is up and down with his health so it was great to chat with him and get to know who he is. I see a lot of Cliff in him. HIs mom is just the nicest women you could meet. Just wanting to give the shirt off her back to anyone. She is so dedicated to the gospel and is open with her children about everything. ANyway Sat was kind of low key, Cliff wanted to bring me over to a house his parents want to give to us to fix up and live in. It is the house he grew up in and he wanted to see if I thought I could see myself there. It was great, so fun. It is a 4 or 5 bedroom, one level home with a pool. Has a lot of work but would be really fun to get set up. He is allergic to my cats so he showed me where he would build the airconditioned cat house attached to the house. Then we drove around a little and checked the area out. The off to get ready for a concert in Tuscon. His sister was going to go down with us but got deathly ill so we all cuddled with her in her bed for a little bit and then off to the concert. WE ended up missing the concert so we just went to a movie and had a great time spending time together. WE didnt get home until 3 am which is 6 am here. Needless to say getting up for church the next mornign was not that easy. We did it and had a great time. Later that day we had a talk with his mom about him and I getting married. It was great to have a up front and honest conversation about it with his mom. She had some great insight. I really connected with all of them. Later they made me a special birthday dinner, and gave me presents. Then later that night we headed to the airport for a midnight flight home. Though I thought it was going to be a good one on one weekend with Cliff and I it ended up being great and exactally what we both needed. We both felt so great seing how well we all got along, I felt great seing what potentially the next stage in my life will be, and we both agreed how great it is that we can "just be" around each other. His sister commented over and over again how great it is to see him being able to just be himself, to joke around, wrestle, laugh, show his real side. She kept saying how that is not a common thing, the level of confort we have with each other. I feel so confortable with him and didnt necessarly have that "aghhh I am so in love I could dance on the clouds feeling". I was looking for that but I think I realized this weekend, that is not reality, having someone you can see each others good and bad, you can laugh with , you can debate with and come to mututal compromises with, someone you are so confortable with that you can tell them you need them to just take care of you cuz u have cramps, someone you can see serving others all the time, that is reality. WEll it is my reality with Cliff anyway. Who knows if that is how it is supposed to be but really I dont care how it is supposed to be as long as Heavenly Father okays it and we both continue to feel the way we do. He is not Mr. Chilvery, but I love the fact that when something happens I am not afraid to say "honey, my bags need you to carry them, or the water in the fridge wants you to bring it to me". I love that he wants me to tell him the things I think he should do, if he has not learned yet what I like. He told me the other day that he does not want me to adjust to how he shows me his love, he wants me to show him how I feel love so he can show me in the way i see it. When I tell him or show him, you better believe he gets it and does it every time after. That tells me his level of dedication and teachs me a lot about how to have a mature love and not a "well he should just know" attitude on love. ANyway enought rambeling I so should go to bed. Thanks for the concern you all had for me while I was away. Sorry if I worried you, Cliff did call to tell Denise where we were right when we got there and give a phone number but I guess I should have done more. Is this really happening? Am I really headed down this new path in my life? Either way it was worth the wait and is worth every step I am on this path, even if it is only temporarlily.
So then he slipped and said something about "when we get to my parent house". I caught him, he covered it up, then when we got to phoenix he said just kidding we really are not doing that stuff. After I got over my disapointment for the bungalo I was excitted to find out what we were doing. First we went to his parents and got settled in, that is where we stayed the whole trip. We then went to the lake where his family had a BBQ for me. We swam in the water and had a great time. Later that night we just relazed and I had a chance to spend some one on one time with his father then his mother, then his sister. It was great to get to know them and see how well we all related. During the converstanion with his sister we were talking about how the innocence and the way we view the world is changing due to the happenings in the world. We talked about how great it would be if we could trust other people enough to live in a world with the innocence and "rose colored glasses" while knowing at the same time they will not decive or take advantage of us. I said to her that I felt like I could live in a world like that with Cliff. As soon as I said it I got goose bumps all over and almost started crying. It was so wierd! I never feel emotions to that extent. Now dont get me wrong I know that Cliff is far from perfect, but I also know that he wears who he is on his sleeves.. the great, the good and the bad. THe he is who he is and that he is not going to decieve you into beliving otherwise. (that is unless he is trying to give you a suprise weekend)
It was so great to have that experience and feel that complete level of trust for him, esp. since my track record when it comes to trusting guys is not very strong.
His dad is 81 and is up and down with his health so it was great to chat with him and get to know who he is. I see a lot of Cliff in him. HIs mom is just the nicest women you could meet. Just wanting to give the shirt off her back to anyone. She is so dedicated to the gospel and is open with her children about everything. ANyway Sat was kind of low key, Cliff wanted to bring me over to a house his parents want to give to us to fix up and live in. It is the house he grew up in and he wanted to see if I thought I could see myself there. It was great, so fun. It is a 4 or 5 bedroom, one level home with a pool. Has a lot of work but would be really fun to get set up. He is allergic to my cats so he showed me where he would build the airconditioned cat house attached to the house. Then we drove around a little and checked the area out. The off to get ready for a concert in Tuscon. His sister was going to go down with us but got deathly ill so we all cuddled with her in her bed for a little bit and then off to the concert. WE ended up missing the concert so we just went to a movie and had a great time spending time together. WE didnt get home until 3 am which is 6 am here. Needless to say getting up for church the next mornign was not that easy. We did it and had a great time. Later that day we had a talk with his mom about him and I getting married. It was great to have a up front and honest conversation about it with his mom. She had some great insight. I really connected with all of them. Later they made me a special birthday dinner, and gave me presents. Then later that night we headed to the airport for a midnight flight home. Though I thought it was going to be a good one on one weekend with Cliff and I it ended up being great and exactally what we both needed. We both felt so great seing how well we all got along, I felt great seing what potentially the next stage in my life will be, and we both agreed how great it is that we can "just be" around each other. His sister commented over and over again how great it is to see him being able to just be himself, to joke around, wrestle, laugh, show his real side. She kept saying how that is not a common thing, the level of confort we have with each other. I feel so confortable with him and didnt necessarly have that "aghhh I am so in love I could dance on the clouds feeling". I was looking for that but I think I realized this weekend, that is not reality, having someone you can see each others good and bad, you can laugh with , you can debate with and come to mututal compromises with, someone you are so confortable with that you can tell them you need them to just take care of you cuz u have cramps, someone you can see serving others all the time, that is reality. WEll it is my reality with Cliff anyway. Who knows if that is how it is supposed to be but really I dont care how it is supposed to be as long as Heavenly Father okays it and we both continue to feel the way we do. He is not Mr. Chilvery, but I love the fact that when something happens I am not afraid to say "honey, my bags need you to carry them, or the water in the fridge wants you to bring it to me". I love that he wants me to tell him the things I think he should do, if he has not learned yet what I like. He told me the other day that he does not want me to adjust to how he shows me his love, he wants me to show him how I feel love so he can show me in the way i see it. When I tell him or show him, you better believe he gets it and does it every time after. That tells me his level of dedication and teachs me a lot about how to have a mature love and not a "well he should just know" attitude on love. ANyway enought rambeling I so should go to bed. Thanks for the concern you all had for me while I was away. Sorry if I worried you, Cliff did call to tell Denise where we were right when we got there and give a phone number but I guess I should have done more. Is this really happening? Am I really headed down this new path in my life? Either way it was worth the wait and is worth every step I am on this path, even if it is only temporarlily.
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Where will we go?
I have to be fast since I am at work and I am about to get children any minute. I just have to write really quick and say how amazing my boyfriend is! I know I know sappy but I have to tell you what he did. Well I dont really know but we have been talking about next weekend being our weekend to celebrate my birthday. I got kind of mad at him yesterday over some stuff and I thought that we were going to have to cancel this weekend. At midnight last night I get a text message that tells me I need to get friday and monday off work. He shows up at my house (which he is allergic to cats and I have some, so it is hard for him to come over). He shows up with flowers, then he tells me how he realizes how much I do for him and then he says you really need to get off and we are flying somewhere so pack a suitcase I can take on a plane! I am so excitted. For the trip yes, but more for the fact that he loves me so much and is willing to do whatever he can in order to show me that I am a priority in his life and that he appreciates all I do for him. That means more than any trip could ever mean. (of course the trip definitially helps :) )
Anyway I have kids now, Just wanted you all to know how great my boyfriend is. Have a great day and thanks for all the birthday wishes from each of you! Oh yeah and Jimmy... thanks for the call and your concern yesterday.
Anyway I have kids now, Just wanted you all to know how great my boyfriend is. Have a great day and thanks for all the birthday wishes from each of you! Oh yeah and Jimmy... thanks for the call and your concern yesterday.
Saturday, August 30, 2008
Finding time
So I have decided that every week I will write a update when i am doing my awake overnight shift. It may be a little rambly, since I get that way when I am tired, who am I kidding I am always a little rambly.
There are so many things going on in my life right now! Lets see.... it is 2 weeks from my olympic triathalon and all I can say is I AM SO TIRED OF TRAINING! I love working out, but just not in the mood to "train". I have managed to get my man into spinning classes though and he loves them! Well wait til I take him to an non beginer one, he may not be so excitted. Of course he does not know he was in a beginer one so shhhh (Dont worry he will not ever see this, that would reguire reading my blog). I have decided though that no matter what when I do the tri... I will not walk. I have to finish the race with all running so I feel like I really did it. Okay I say that on here but come the 14th that may be a different story.
Thanks to everyone who helped me raise the money for it!
Now onto boys... I mean men. I sound like such a teenager writting on her about them but the fact is, in that department, it is where I am in life. I have been going back and forth a lot over the past 4 months on weither I should be with my current boyfriend or not. We have both debated it a lot. We have a blast together, respect each other, and just enjoy what we have. We went on a trip to atlantic city for his birthday and that weekend is when we realized how great what we have really is. I suprised him for the trip. Made him wear a blind fold all the way, yeah he was real excitted about that! The first night we went to a concert we had both wanted to hear. Well we got there, they only sang one song we knew and we could not sing along so we joked a little and left. We stayed at this old old old hotel, the elevator had to be run by a operator and the bathrooms were shared in the hallway! It actually was a great place. The next morning we went for a run then off for his next surpise... a day at the day spa! It was so great we both had massages and he had a facial. When he came out from his facial he was so at ease and so excitted, all day he could not stop saying " I have the best girlfriend in the world". We both were in this total state of relaxation. After swimming in the pools we went to check into our nice hotel for the night. It was so fun. All decorated in 70's retro which he loves. I didnt know that but he thought I did and kept saying wow you know me so well. lol. So then I gave him his present. It was a book I had made about him, his favorite topic. :) We rode bikes on the boardwalk and just had a great time. We both kept saying how it felt like we were on a honeymoon, without some of the perks of the honeymoon.
So since that time we have been stuck together like glue. i mean we have our ups and downs, in fact we got in a fight this morning, we drive each other crazy and at the same time adore each other and the things that drive us crazy fade pretty quick.
The sad thing is that he leaves in 14 days to go back to Arizonia. He extended to spend more time, but that time is coming to a end. He might stay for a little bit and he has already gotten me a ticket to Utah the first week of Oct. to go to a company party with him. So now the question... what happens now. I prayed about it the other day thinking that I was going to definitially get a "it is not right" answer like I usually do when I pray about boys. Well to my suprise I did not get that answer. Im not sure what will happen between us, but getting that feeling I got when I prayed sure helped me see how scared i was all these years to open myself up. I had no idea the walls I have up. Anyway, we have been looking at places in AZ for me to move to and looking at opportunities for jobs. Nothing serious just looking. I have always wanted to live there so why not. Oh course he would have to get past my dad and my guy friends test before anything could happen.
So there are my ramblings for the night. I know it was long but Ive got all night to stay awake and need something to do. DO you blame me?
There are so many things going on in my life right now! Lets see.... it is 2 weeks from my olympic triathalon and all I can say is I AM SO TIRED OF TRAINING! I love working out, but just not in the mood to "train". I have managed to get my man into spinning classes though and he loves them! Well wait til I take him to an non beginer one, he may not be so excitted. Of course he does not know he was in a beginer one so shhhh (Dont worry he will not ever see this, that would reguire reading my blog). I have decided though that no matter what when I do the tri... I will not walk. I have to finish the race with all running so I feel like I really did it. Okay I say that on here but come the 14th that may be a different story.
Thanks to everyone who helped me raise the money for it!
Now onto boys... I mean men. I sound like such a teenager writting on her about them but the fact is, in that department, it is where I am in life. I have been going back and forth a lot over the past 4 months on weither I should be with my current boyfriend or not. We have both debated it a lot. We have a blast together, respect each other, and just enjoy what we have. We went on a trip to atlantic city for his birthday and that weekend is when we realized how great what we have really is. I suprised him for the trip. Made him wear a blind fold all the way, yeah he was real excitted about that! The first night we went to a concert we had both wanted to hear. Well we got there, they only sang one song we knew and we could not sing along so we joked a little and left. We stayed at this old old old hotel, the elevator had to be run by a operator and the bathrooms were shared in the hallway! It actually was a great place. The next morning we went for a run then off for his next surpise... a day at the day spa! It was so great we both had massages and he had a facial. When he came out from his facial he was so at ease and so excitted, all day he could not stop saying " I have the best girlfriend in the world". We both were in this total state of relaxation. After swimming in the pools we went to check into our nice hotel for the night. It was so fun. All decorated in 70's retro which he loves. I didnt know that but he thought I did and kept saying wow you know me so well. lol. So then I gave him his present. It was a book I had made about him, his favorite topic. :) We rode bikes on the boardwalk and just had a great time. We both kept saying how it felt like we were on a honeymoon, without some of the perks of the honeymoon.
So since that time we have been stuck together like glue. i mean we have our ups and downs, in fact we got in a fight this morning, we drive each other crazy and at the same time adore each other and the things that drive us crazy fade pretty quick.
The sad thing is that he leaves in 14 days to go back to Arizonia. He extended to spend more time, but that time is coming to a end. He might stay for a little bit and he has already gotten me a ticket to Utah the first week of Oct. to go to a company party with him. So now the question... what happens now. I prayed about it the other day thinking that I was going to definitially get a "it is not right" answer like I usually do when I pray about boys. Well to my suprise I did not get that answer. Im not sure what will happen between us, but getting that feeling I got when I prayed sure helped me see how scared i was all these years to open myself up. I had no idea the walls I have up. Anyway, we have been looking at places in AZ for me to move to and looking at opportunities for jobs. Nothing serious just looking. I have always wanted to live there so why not. Oh course he would have to get past my dad and my guy friends test before anything could happen.
So there are my ramblings for the night. I know it was long but Ive got all night to stay awake and need something to do. DO you blame me?
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
I forgot my password
OOOPs It has been a while but I really did have a good excuse. I forgot my password until right now. LIfe has been so busy and great lately. I dont have much time to write this minute but I will give a brief overview. I did my first sprint triathalon on august 3rd. It was well we will just say.... hell. LOL . No really I did it thinking it would be so easy and that I just wanted to do it to learn the feel of the race. Oh it was anythign but easy. I had a goal to do it in 2 hours and ended up doing it in 2 hours and 8 minutes. I found out the other day what place I came in. It is kinda funny but yes you are reading a posting from the triathlete who came in number 796! I know but it was out of 1600 so for my first it was not so shabby.
I will get back to you later with more details. Hope all is well!
I will get back to you later with more details. Hope all is well!
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Busy lives
Man oh man has life been busy lately. It is a good busy work, triathalon, dating, trying to rediscover my spiritual connection with God and trying to fit in as many quick trips as I can this summer. I was excitted to find out my nephews and sister were in town over the 4th of July. I was able to spend some time with them and reconnect with my nephew. We shared some laughs and good times. I will post pics after I get off my 35 hour work shift and have a chance to get them off my computer. Wow this weekend will be crazy. I worked today from 6:45 - 3:45 at my school then my 2nd job 4-10 then another home overnight shift from 10:15-8am. THen physical therapy at 8:20am back to my school 9:15 - 6:15 then I am ready to play for the night and go to a friends pool party. THen up at 7 for triathalon training, off to a picnic for the families at my school by 11 til 1. THen im going to do a mini triathalon and try to sleep a little before work at 10pm until 10am. Then sleep for 2 hours and off to church. That is what I consider a weekend. LOL It really is great things and fun things just time consuming. I dont know what I would do if I only had one job. OKay can you tell I am tired. I just rambled about nothing forever. This posting will definitially not be considered one of my "deep" posts. Oh I forgot to tell you how excitted I am to have a new niece! It is sad she is so far and that Kim is so far so we cannot help her but Kim is amazing me in how well she is doing as a mom. She has jumped right in and is loving it. I have always admired Kim and this just adds to my reasons why.
Saturday, June 28, 2008
The Past
Why is it that we go through experiences that we are meant to learn and grow from and then just let them hold us back later in life? When it comes to love we hold on to so much... is that because we dont want to be okay with giving up on the past relationship? Is it because we have a innate need to feel the rejection we went through was not because of us and if we get the past back we will know we were not being rejected? Is it beacuse we think it is not okay to allow ourselves to have those feelings for someone else and be happy, or is it simply that the new situtaion we are in is not what Heavenly Father wants for us?
I have gone through a lot of heart ache over the past year, thinking I had what was right, what was complete happiness and peace for me and then loosing it. I felt so sure that it was right and then it was gone. I dont regret the experience at all because I think that not every one ever gets to be that happy during their lives and I was blessed with the chance to have it for a moment. I have since realized that what I felt wiht this person in all reality had and has no chance of working out, in fact we would drive each other crazy, then why in my new relationships do I hold onto so much of the past and not just let the relationship grow and develop. I am scared of not being able to trust my own feelings. I think it is ironic that when we have expereiences good or bad and we try to better ourselves from them, that sometimes all we do is wind up huring ourselves more because we cant let go of the idea of them and let ourselves see what the next new adventure brings weither it is something that will work out or it is something that we will have another life lesson from. This is exactally why singlehood has its benifits, no need to worry about and stress over any of this stuff when you are not in a relationship. Then again there is nothing more gratifying or rewarding than discovering who we are, who someone else is and being able to share that with each other.
I have gone through a lot of heart ache over the past year, thinking I had what was right, what was complete happiness and peace for me and then loosing it. I felt so sure that it was right and then it was gone. I dont regret the experience at all because I think that not every one ever gets to be that happy during their lives and I was blessed with the chance to have it for a moment. I have since realized that what I felt wiht this person in all reality had and has no chance of working out, in fact we would drive each other crazy, then why in my new relationships do I hold onto so much of the past and not just let the relationship grow and develop. I am scared of not being able to trust my own feelings. I think it is ironic that when we have expereiences good or bad and we try to better ourselves from them, that sometimes all we do is wind up huring ourselves more because we cant let go of the idea of them and let ourselves see what the next new adventure brings weither it is something that will work out or it is something that we will have another life lesson from. This is exactally why singlehood has its benifits, no need to worry about and stress over any of this stuff when you are not in a relationship. Then again there is nothing more gratifying or rewarding than discovering who we are, who someone else is and being able to share that with each other.
Monday, June 23, 2008
Excittment
I am so excitted today. This weekend I went and got my buisness license for my new company named " Time Makers" it is a service company for working families which helps them with every day errands. This will help make the time they do have with their children quality time. I hired my first employee today and we start on wenesday. The first thing I am doing is going into schools and offering hair cuts to the children while they are at school or day care. Then I will go from there. The problem is I need a logo and I am not artistically creative. Any ideas from anyone would be a great help!
On another note I should prob. tell you all that I am dating someone new. We have been dating only a few weeks and who knows where it will go, but I will say... it is fun, we treat each other great and I know he makes me not only want to be better but to actually be better. I cant speak for him but I hope I have the same effect on him. I dont know what it is about tall guys with my family, first Kim with Drew and now me with Cliff who is 6ft 9! We are working on "just being" and anyone who knows me knows that is my new life motto. You know I realize more and more every day... there are hard times in life, but its the hard that makes you great. It makes all the good times even better!
On another note I should prob. tell you all that I am dating someone new. We have been dating only a few weeks and who knows where it will go, but I will say... it is fun, we treat each other great and I know he makes me not only want to be better but to actually be better. I cant speak for him but I hope I have the same effect on him. I dont know what it is about tall guys with my family, first Kim with Drew and now me with Cliff who is 6ft 9! We are working on "just being" and anyone who knows me knows that is my new life motto. You know I realize more and more every day... there are hard times in life, but its the hard that makes you great. It makes all the good times even better!
Saturday, June 14, 2008
Its about time
Wow it has been awhile since I have written and am getting some comment from my family so I better get something up. I am just not sure what to write about... I could thank my family for all their help with helping me to raise money for the triathalon and I let them know I am in the top 5 fundraisers currently due to their help.
I could tell you all about the amazing time I had this past weekend at Seven Springs, PA. with 4 good friends. I love catching up with old friends. My friend Natalie came to town for seven springs and we had such a good time. I really admire her for always wanting to serve everyone! She is a inspiration to me.
DO you ever just want to take the great things that you see in your friends and family and figure out a way to just let everyone feel the goodness that comes from those qualities. I am so blessed to have met and continue to meet such amazing people.I look at my old friends, new ones and family members and it is so evident to me that it really is true.... we really are all children of God. Just like we inherit so many qualities from our earthly parents we each have inherited Heavenly Fathers qualities. It is up to us to decide if we are going to live up to them or not. I tell you what, He has allowed me to meet and have as a part of my life people who definitially try to live the lives He wants for them. It amazes me how one person can do one thing and it can affect someone so much, more than the person who did the act could ever know. Im not sure why I went off on that, it is 11pm and I have been up for 29 hours all except the 2 one hour naps I had. You all know how I get when I am tired.... chatty and cuddly but since I am working I will have to stick with the chattiness. I guess the whole point of tonights writting is to say thanks to everyone in my life who is such a example and for each trying in their own way to live up to Heavenly Fathers will for them and to say that the little things you do dont go unnoticed.
I could tell you all about the amazing time I had this past weekend at Seven Springs, PA. with 4 good friends. I love catching up with old friends. My friend Natalie came to town for seven springs and we had such a good time. I really admire her for always wanting to serve everyone! She is a inspiration to me.
DO you ever just want to take the great things that you see in your friends and family and figure out a way to just let everyone feel the goodness that comes from those qualities. I am so blessed to have met and continue to meet such amazing people.I look at my old friends, new ones and family members and it is so evident to me that it really is true.... we really are all children of God. Just like we inherit so many qualities from our earthly parents we each have inherited Heavenly Fathers qualities. It is up to us to decide if we are going to live up to them or not. I tell you what, He has allowed me to meet and have as a part of my life people who definitially try to live the lives He wants for them. It amazes me how one person can do one thing and it can affect someone so much, more than the person who did the act could ever know. Im not sure why I went off on that, it is 11pm and I have been up for 29 hours all except the 2 one hour naps I had. You all know how I get when I am tired.... chatty and cuddly but since I am working I will have to stick with the chattiness. I guess the whole point of tonights writting is to say thanks to everyone in my life who is such a example and for each trying in their own way to live up to Heavenly Fathers will for them and to say that the little things you do dont go unnoticed.
Saturday, May 24, 2008
Relief Days
Every once in a while we all have those days that I think are a way of Heavenly Father just giving us a whole day of peace and happiness. You know, one of those days where the sun is shining and it seems to get to the core of your spirit and just gives you a relief from the every day stresses we each have.
This morning I had my first group run for the triathlon. Ever since I started gaining weight when I was young I have been scared of playing sports or exercising in front of anyone. I have never been running with people around before and still carry that feeling from before I lost the weight. Well I had convinced myself, which was not hard, that I was not going to go to the run trainings until I got better on my own, I didn't want to be the last one and to look completely out of shape compared to everyone else. I have been doubting my abilities over the past few days and have even wondered if doing a triathlon is right for me. Well I decided that if I did not go today I would continue to have excuses. So I did it and LOVED IT! I ran in the level 1 group which is the easiest of the 3 groups but I did come in first in the group. I didn't care what I came in just as long as it was not last! I chatted with another team member the whole run and it really went by fast for me. Then off to work where I was able to spend some time with the ladies I work with in Baltimore, then when we came home I wheeled one of the ladies who I have a great connection with, outside in her wheelchair. She sat in her wheel chair listening to my mp3 while I sat next to her reading a church book. She reached out her hand for me to hold it and we sat in the nice weather not talking but just enjoying the beautiful day Heavenly Father had given us and enjoying what could be one of our last times together, due to her health. Thanks Heavenly Father for today and I cant wait for the next one!
This morning I had my first group run for the triathlon. Ever since I started gaining weight when I was young I have been scared of playing sports or exercising in front of anyone. I have never been running with people around before and still carry that feeling from before I lost the weight. Well I had convinced myself, which was not hard, that I was not going to go to the run trainings until I got better on my own, I didn't want to be the last one and to look completely out of shape compared to everyone else. I have been doubting my abilities over the past few days and have even wondered if doing a triathlon is right for me. Well I decided that if I did not go today I would continue to have excuses. So I did it and LOVED IT! I ran in the level 1 group which is the easiest of the 3 groups but I did come in first in the group. I didn't care what I came in just as long as it was not last! I chatted with another team member the whole run and it really went by fast for me. Then off to work where I was able to spend some time with the ladies I work with in Baltimore, then when we came home I wheeled one of the ladies who I have a great connection with, outside in her wheelchair. She sat in her wheel chair listening to my mp3 while I sat next to her reading a church book. She reached out her hand for me to hold it and we sat in the nice weather not talking but just enjoying the beautiful day Heavenly Father had given us and enjoying what could be one of our last times together, due to her health. Thanks Heavenly Father for today and I cant wait for the next one!
Monday, May 19, 2008
MOving
WEll both my sisters are moving away in a few days. It hit me the other night while having dinner with my family and my sister said... "is this the last time we will see you?" I didnt put it together that they were really leaving. I had no idea when I moved back here almost 4 years ago to be close to them then time would fly so fast and then they would both move away at the same time, and take my nephews and niece with them. Life is about change and learning and I wish them the best and know that they are both doing what Heavenly Father wants them to. I know they would not make a big decision like this if they did not know God's will for them and their families. I dont tell my family much how much I care about them, I dont really tell people in general. I try to show them, but words are harder for me. I will just say that I don't cry very often at all but anytime I think about saying goodbye to them or think about not being able to drop by to see my nephews on a sunday afternoon I have to fight back the tears. I know they will benifit from this move and I know they will all get what they need out of it. I feel sad for my parents whose lives are those boys and I dont know what to do to help fill that void for them, yet I know it is my responsibility and desire to do that for them. I dont have children to offer them, In fact I dont know what I have to offer them but I hope that whatever it is Heavenly Father will lead me in the right direction to figure it out.
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
Triathalon
Wow I dont know what I have gotten myself into but I am in it and going to do it. I have always wanted to do a triathalon and now is the time to prove to myself I can while also earning some money to help a good cause. Check out my triathalon webpage.
http://pages.teamintraining.org/nca/nattri09/sknowles
http://pages.teamintraining.org/nca/nattri09/sknowles
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
The joys of singlehood
I can't tell you the amount of times that people ask me in a week "when are you getting married" or "why are you single" or "Don't you want kids" well when I have weekends like I did this past weekend it makes me realize I am exactly where I need to be in life. This past weekend I went to a church singles conference in California. My favorite thing about the conference was everywhere I looked I saw people smiling and laughing. You could just see the release of day to day pressures being let go of. It was amazing at how quickly I met people I bonded with and how great it was to see old friends and mission companions I have not seen in years! There are tough times associated with being single but you know what... there are tough times associated with every stage in life and frankly I am happy to be exactly where I am - the pics should speak for themselves.
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
Plus and Minuses
A year later I have lost 95 pounds and have experienced things I never thought I would. A quick summary of the past years joys and pains associated with loosing weight
Precious Moments
1. When the scale was under 200 pounds
2. Putting on my goal pants to see how much further I had to go and being able to button them.
3. Being able to wrestle and play with my nephew without getting tired or worn out.
4. Completing my first spinning class all the way though
5. When running 3 miles in a day was a easy work out day
6. When the scale hit under 150 pounds
7. Discovering I have hip bones and they hurt when your elbow bumps into them
8. Sitting on my porch and being able to rest my head on my knees
9. Driving in the car and being able to drive with one foot on the seat
10. Hugs.... having someone put their arms around me in order to give me a real hug, where their arms could reach all the way around me.
11. Being referred to from doctors as " a person very physically fit"
12. Walking in the mall and catching men checking me out
13. Fitting into a size 4 from a size 18/20
14. Watching others all the sudden start working on getting healthier themselves
15. Realizing that I did not take the easy way out, that no I could not have been successful without my surgery but also realizing it could not have been successful without me.
16. Trying on bathing suits for over 2 hours, this time not to find something that looked decent enough to hide in, instead this time was just to see all the options I had of ones I did look good in.
17. Going to my parents open house and having all the women who I have grown up around make me feel as thought I was on a makeover show, taking pictures, getting hugs and tears and just seeing them so proud of me.
18. Seeing the look in my moms eyes and smirk when she saw me making progress on this road or how proud she was when she heard others comment on how well I was doing.
19. People not having to move their chairs in so that I can get past them in tight quarters
20. Knowing that my life will be years and years longer, happier and more active
21. Walking taller, wearing clothes that fit instead of clothes that hide
Seeing the other side....
1. Realizing I had no idea how to be me in this body that I have never had before
2. Having to change my sense of humor from the chunky girl humor to... I have not figured this one out all the way yet.
3. Being the one who has to do the rejecting when it comes to dating instead of being the one always rejected.
4. Working out a million times more but having half the strength since I cannot use my weight as a lever.
5. Having the first thing that other see about me be my body instead of who I am, my personality
6. Not being able to talk to people about weight struggles without having them reply "shut up you have no room to speak" when really I just need to talk about this struggle that will be life long.
7. Not being able to sit for long time periods before my rump hurts.
8. Gaining a few pounds and being scared to death that I will go back to where I was before and be a complete failure.
9. Realizing that life is not about looks, it is about being ourselves and trying to figure out how to be me in a world that is completely unknown to me.
10. Changing my flirty fun free personality that no one ever took as flirty to having to be cautious all the time of how my actions and words are taken by both males and females.
11. Realizing I have a lot of things in my life to get straight and all my issues in life were not because I was overweight.
12. Feeling bad that my whole blog so far has been focused on weight which i know is not who I am but these are the experiences over the past year I have dealt with and want to share.
Let the journey begin
What a year it has been. Let me take you back to where I was a year ago. This is a writing I wrote when I was about to get weight loss surgery....
March 2007
This day is really coming, I cant believe it. My whole life full of hurt and disappointment in myself. Making goals, working hard, then breaking goals. Why couldn't I just do it with will power? Why was it so important? Why can I not live my life until I accomplish it? Why cant I just be like other people?
I am finding as this gets closer and closer I feel as thought I am loosing my friend. One of the only things that I have been able to rely on through out my life is the knowledge that food would always be there when I needed it. I had no idea how much I cared for it and placed a value on it until I was preparing for the surgery that would permanently take it away from me.
Now I am spending a lot of money for something I get mad at myself for not being able to let go of on my own, yet I know in spending the money I am actually investing in my future. I am ready to stand on my own with out food next to me. I am ready to break that bond and hold that it has over me.
Food has been there for me and I could always count on it. It never ran when I needed it, It gave me a sense of satiety in a world that did not offer such a feeling. I look at times in my life where I was able to give it up and that was when I was feeling satisfied with life and felt genuine love.
In the past few years I have made myself feel as thought I was satisfied with life because the false feeling food offered me. I ate, felt satisfied gained weight pushed everyone away because I did not want them to see me gain weight and judge me, I did not want them to see that as me. But I have been that way since I was young so is that me? Is that who I am? and who will I be when it is gone? Is that why i could not let go of it sooner? Was it to prove to society that someone can be heavy yet happy, successful. and healthy? Or does if just not matter what society thinks. How do you change that feeling within when you have grown up in a world that makes you feel as thought you have to be what they see as beautiful in order to be beautiful? I love me, I know that I am a great person and have great qualities, I help others, I am funny and lets just be honest I am just a all around amazing woman. Then why have I allowed society's views on the way I look stop me from living my life? I want to fight society I want to not care, but I do and I have attempted to fight my whole life, but the one thing that I have not been able to fight is how I feel society sees me. Maybe they don't see me as overweight, and not as good as other people. Maybe they see me as normal and I just perceive things wrong. Either way, I am disappointed in myself that I was unable to prove them or myself wrong. I was unable to stand up for the big women and take a stance as a large beautiful woman like queen Latifa or my friend Traci. I fell ashamed that I cannot be a confident large women. I don't feel good in this body and I feel as thought I hide behind this "friend" that has been the source of satisfaction for years. I cant do it any longer. I need to take this fat suit off, step out and show who I truly am.
There is so much excitement for what will come, no end to what I can achieve with my new freedom. There is fear in the surgery, fear of letting go of my friend, fear of who I will be when I stand without my friend by my side. Can I handle this change? I have to... I have to in order to live. I will no longer have excuses to live my life.
Heavenly Father has blessed me with incredible health throughout my life. I am obese but have no health issues aside from back pain. Am I repaying him in the right way by changing how He created my body? At the same time I think that he did not create me to be miserable and fat, he created me to be happy, live, love and learn.
I pray this is the right step, I pray that I can accomplish the task before me and embrace the change. Most of all I pray I can begin to live again.
March 2007
This day is really coming, I cant believe it. My whole life full of hurt and disappointment in myself. Making goals, working hard, then breaking goals. Why couldn't I just do it with will power? Why was it so important? Why can I not live my life until I accomplish it? Why cant I just be like other people?
I am finding as this gets closer and closer I feel as thought I am loosing my friend. One of the only things that I have been able to rely on through out my life is the knowledge that food would always be there when I needed it. I had no idea how much I cared for it and placed a value on it until I was preparing for the surgery that would permanently take it away from me.
Now I am spending a lot of money for something I get mad at myself for not being able to let go of on my own, yet I know in spending the money I am actually investing in my future. I am ready to stand on my own with out food next to me. I am ready to break that bond and hold that it has over me.
Food has been there for me and I could always count on it. It never ran when I needed it, It gave me a sense of satiety in a world that did not offer such a feeling. I look at times in my life where I was able to give it up and that was when I was feeling satisfied with life and felt genuine love.
In the past few years I have made myself feel as thought I was satisfied with life because the false feeling food offered me. I ate, felt satisfied gained weight pushed everyone away because I did not want them to see me gain weight and judge me, I did not want them to see that as me. But I have been that way since I was young so is that me? Is that who I am? and who will I be when it is gone? Is that why i could not let go of it sooner? Was it to prove to society that someone can be heavy yet happy, successful. and healthy? Or does if just not matter what society thinks. How do you change that feeling within when you have grown up in a world that makes you feel as thought you have to be what they see as beautiful in order to be beautiful? I love me, I know that I am a great person and have great qualities, I help others, I am funny and lets just be honest I am just a all around amazing woman. Then why have I allowed society's views on the way I look stop me from living my life? I want to fight society I want to not care, but I do and I have attempted to fight my whole life, but the one thing that I have not been able to fight is how I feel society sees me. Maybe they don't see me as overweight, and not as good as other people. Maybe they see me as normal and I just perceive things wrong. Either way, I am disappointed in myself that I was unable to prove them or myself wrong. I was unable to stand up for the big women and take a stance as a large beautiful woman like queen Latifa or my friend Traci. I fell ashamed that I cannot be a confident large women. I don't feel good in this body and I feel as thought I hide behind this "friend" that has been the source of satisfaction for years. I cant do it any longer. I need to take this fat suit off, step out and show who I truly am.
There is so much excitement for what will come, no end to what I can achieve with my new freedom. There is fear in the surgery, fear of letting go of my friend, fear of who I will be when I stand without my friend by my side. Can I handle this change? I have to... I have to in order to live. I will no longer have excuses to live my life.
Heavenly Father has blessed me with incredible health throughout my life. I am obese but have no health issues aside from back pain. Am I repaying him in the right way by changing how He created my body? At the same time I think that he did not create me to be miserable and fat, he created me to be happy, live, love and learn.
I pray this is the right step, I pray that I can accomplish the task before me and embrace the change. Most of all I pray I can begin to live again.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
