Tuesday, April 29, 2008
The joys of singlehood
I can't tell you the amount of times that people ask me in a week "when are you getting married" or "why are you single" or "Don't you want kids" well when I have weekends like I did this past weekend it makes me realize I am exactly where I need to be in life. This past weekend I went to a church singles conference in California. My favorite thing about the conference was everywhere I looked I saw people smiling and laughing. You could just see the release of day to day pressures being let go of. It was amazing at how quickly I met people I bonded with and how great it was to see old friends and mission companions I have not seen in years! There are tough times associated with being single but you know what... there are tough times associated with every stage in life and frankly I am happy to be exactly where I am - the pics should speak for themselves.
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
Plus and Minuses
A year later I have lost 95 pounds and have experienced things I never thought I would. A quick summary of the past years joys and pains associated with loosing weight
Precious Moments
1. When the scale was under 200 pounds
2. Putting on my goal pants to see how much further I had to go and being able to button them.
3. Being able to wrestle and play with my nephew without getting tired or worn out.
4. Completing my first spinning class all the way though
5. When running 3 miles in a day was a easy work out day
6. When the scale hit under 150 pounds
7. Discovering I have hip bones and they hurt when your elbow bumps into them
8. Sitting on my porch and being able to rest my head on my knees
9. Driving in the car and being able to drive with one foot on the seat
10. Hugs.... having someone put their arms around me in order to give me a real hug, where their arms could reach all the way around me.
11. Being referred to from doctors as " a person very physically fit"
12. Walking in the mall and catching men checking me out
13. Fitting into a size 4 from a size 18/20
14. Watching others all the sudden start working on getting healthier themselves
15. Realizing that I did not take the easy way out, that no I could not have been successful without my surgery but also realizing it could not have been successful without me.
16. Trying on bathing suits for over 2 hours, this time not to find something that looked decent enough to hide in, instead this time was just to see all the options I had of ones I did look good in.
17. Going to my parents open house and having all the women who I have grown up around make me feel as thought I was on a makeover show, taking pictures, getting hugs and tears and just seeing them so proud of me.
18. Seeing the look in my moms eyes and smirk when she saw me making progress on this road or how proud she was when she heard others comment on how well I was doing.
19. People not having to move their chairs in so that I can get past them in tight quarters
20. Knowing that my life will be years and years longer, happier and more active
21. Walking taller, wearing clothes that fit instead of clothes that hide
Seeing the other side....
1. Realizing I had no idea how to be me in this body that I have never had before
2. Having to change my sense of humor from the chunky girl humor to... I have not figured this one out all the way yet.
3. Being the one who has to do the rejecting when it comes to dating instead of being the one always rejected.
4. Working out a million times more but having half the strength since I cannot use my weight as a lever.
5. Having the first thing that other see about me be my body instead of who I am, my personality
6. Not being able to talk to people about weight struggles without having them reply "shut up you have no room to speak" when really I just need to talk about this struggle that will be life long.
7. Not being able to sit for long time periods before my rump hurts.
8. Gaining a few pounds and being scared to death that I will go back to where I was before and be a complete failure.
9. Realizing that life is not about looks, it is about being ourselves and trying to figure out how to be me in a world that is completely unknown to me.
10. Changing my flirty fun free personality that no one ever took as flirty to having to be cautious all the time of how my actions and words are taken by both males and females.
11. Realizing I have a lot of things in my life to get straight and all my issues in life were not because I was overweight.
12. Feeling bad that my whole blog so far has been focused on weight which i know is not who I am but these are the experiences over the past year I have dealt with and want to share.
Let the journey begin
What a year it has been. Let me take you back to where I was a year ago. This is a writing I wrote when I was about to get weight loss surgery....
March 2007
This day is really coming, I cant believe it. My whole life full of hurt and disappointment in myself. Making goals, working hard, then breaking goals. Why couldn't I just do it with will power? Why was it so important? Why can I not live my life until I accomplish it? Why cant I just be like other people?
I am finding as this gets closer and closer I feel as thought I am loosing my friend. One of the only things that I have been able to rely on through out my life is the knowledge that food would always be there when I needed it. I had no idea how much I cared for it and placed a value on it until I was preparing for the surgery that would permanently take it away from me.
Now I am spending a lot of money for something I get mad at myself for not being able to let go of on my own, yet I know in spending the money I am actually investing in my future. I am ready to stand on my own with out food next to me. I am ready to break that bond and hold that it has over me.
Food has been there for me and I could always count on it. It never ran when I needed it, It gave me a sense of satiety in a world that did not offer such a feeling. I look at times in my life where I was able to give it up and that was when I was feeling satisfied with life and felt genuine love.
In the past few years I have made myself feel as thought I was satisfied with life because the false feeling food offered me. I ate, felt satisfied gained weight pushed everyone away because I did not want them to see me gain weight and judge me, I did not want them to see that as me. But I have been that way since I was young so is that me? Is that who I am? and who will I be when it is gone? Is that why i could not let go of it sooner? Was it to prove to society that someone can be heavy yet happy, successful. and healthy? Or does if just not matter what society thinks. How do you change that feeling within when you have grown up in a world that makes you feel as thought you have to be what they see as beautiful in order to be beautiful? I love me, I know that I am a great person and have great qualities, I help others, I am funny and lets just be honest I am just a all around amazing woman. Then why have I allowed society's views on the way I look stop me from living my life? I want to fight society I want to not care, but I do and I have attempted to fight my whole life, but the one thing that I have not been able to fight is how I feel society sees me. Maybe they don't see me as overweight, and not as good as other people. Maybe they see me as normal and I just perceive things wrong. Either way, I am disappointed in myself that I was unable to prove them or myself wrong. I was unable to stand up for the big women and take a stance as a large beautiful woman like queen Latifa or my friend Traci. I fell ashamed that I cannot be a confident large women. I don't feel good in this body and I feel as thought I hide behind this "friend" that has been the source of satisfaction for years. I cant do it any longer. I need to take this fat suit off, step out and show who I truly am.
There is so much excitement for what will come, no end to what I can achieve with my new freedom. There is fear in the surgery, fear of letting go of my friend, fear of who I will be when I stand without my friend by my side. Can I handle this change? I have to... I have to in order to live. I will no longer have excuses to live my life.
Heavenly Father has blessed me with incredible health throughout my life. I am obese but have no health issues aside from back pain. Am I repaying him in the right way by changing how He created my body? At the same time I think that he did not create me to be miserable and fat, he created me to be happy, live, love and learn.
I pray this is the right step, I pray that I can accomplish the task before me and embrace the change. Most of all I pray I can begin to live again.
March 2007
This day is really coming, I cant believe it. My whole life full of hurt and disappointment in myself. Making goals, working hard, then breaking goals. Why couldn't I just do it with will power? Why was it so important? Why can I not live my life until I accomplish it? Why cant I just be like other people?
I am finding as this gets closer and closer I feel as thought I am loosing my friend. One of the only things that I have been able to rely on through out my life is the knowledge that food would always be there when I needed it. I had no idea how much I cared for it and placed a value on it until I was preparing for the surgery that would permanently take it away from me.
Now I am spending a lot of money for something I get mad at myself for not being able to let go of on my own, yet I know in spending the money I am actually investing in my future. I am ready to stand on my own with out food next to me. I am ready to break that bond and hold that it has over me.
Food has been there for me and I could always count on it. It never ran when I needed it, It gave me a sense of satiety in a world that did not offer such a feeling. I look at times in my life where I was able to give it up and that was when I was feeling satisfied with life and felt genuine love.
In the past few years I have made myself feel as thought I was satisfied with life because the false feeling food offered me. I ate, felt satisfied gained weight pushed everyone away because I did not want them to see me gain weight and judge me, I did not want them to see that as me. But I have been that way since I was young so is that me? Is that who I am? and who will I be when it is gone? Is that why i could not let go of it sooner? Was it to prove to society that someone can be heavy yet happy, successful. and healthy? Or does if just not matter what society thinks. How do you change that feeling within when you have grown up in a world that makes you feel as thought you have to be what they see as beautiful in order to be beautiful? I love me, I know that I am a great person and have great qualities, I help others, I am funny and lets just be honest I am just a all around amazing woman. Then why have I allowed society's views on the way I look stop me from living my life? I want to fight society I want to not care, but I do and I have attempted to fight my whole life, but the one thing that I have not been able to fight is how I feel society sees me. Maybe they don't see me as overweight, and not as good as other people. Maybe they see me as normal and I just perceive things wrong. Either way, I am disappointed in myself that I was unable to prove them or myself wrong. I was unable to stand up for the big women and take a stance as a large beautiful woman like queen Latifa or my friend Traci. I fell ashamed that I cannot be a confident large women. I don't feel good in this body and I feel as thought I hide behind this "friend" that has been the source of satisfaction for years. I cant do it any longer. I need to take this fat suit off, step out and show who I truly am.
There is so much excitement for what will come, no end to what I can achieve with my new freedom. There is fear in the surgery, fear of letting go of my friend, fear of who I will be when I stand without my friend by my side. Can I handle this change? I have to... I have to in order to live. I will no longer have excuses to live my life.
Heavenly Father has blessed me with incredible health throughout my life. I am obese but have no health issues aside from back pain. Am I repaying him in the right way by changing how He created my body? At the same time I think that he did not create me to be miserable and fat, he created me to be happy, live, love and learn.
I pray this is the right step, I pray that I can accomplish the task before me and embrace the change. Most of all I pray I can begin to live again.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
