Let the journey begin

What a year it has been. Let me take you back to where I was a year ago. This is a writing I wrote when I was about to get weight loss surgery....

March 2007
This day is really coming, I cant believe it. My whole life full of hurt and disappointment in myself. Making goals, working hard, then breaking goals. Why couldn't I just do it with will power? Why was it so important? Why can I not live my life until I accomplish it? Why cant I just be like other people?
I am finding as this gets closer and closer I feel as thought I am loosing my friend. One of the only things that I have been able to rely on through out my life is the knowledge that food would always be there when I needed it. I had no idea how much I cared for it and placed a value on it until I was preparing for the surgery that would permanently take it away from me.
Now I am spending a lot of money for something I get mad at myself for not being able to let go of on my own, yet I know in spending the money I am actually investing in my future. I am ready to stand on my own with out food next to me. I am ready to break that bond and hold that it has over me.
Food has been there for me and I could always count on it. It never ran when I needed it, It gave me a sense of satiety in a world that did not offer such a feeling. I look at times in my life where I was able to give it up and that was when I was feeling satisfied with life and felt genuine love.
In the past few years I have made myself feel as thought I was satisfied with life because the false feeling food offered me. I ate, felt satisfied gained weight pushed everyone away because I did not want them to see me gain weight and judge me, I did not want them to see that as me. But I have been that way since I was young so is that me? Is that who I am? and who will I be when it is gone? Is that why i could not let go of it sooner? Was it to prove to society that someone can be heavy yet happy, successful. and healthy? Or does if just not matter what society thinks. How do you change that feeling within when you have grown up in a world that makes you feel as thought you have to be what they see as beautiful in order to be beautiful? I love me, I know that I am a great person and have great qualities, I help others, I am funny and lets just be honest I am just a all around amazing woman. Then why have I allowed society's views on the way I look stop me from living my life? I want to fight society I want to not care, but I do and I have attempted to fight my whole life, but the one thing that I have not been able to fight is how I feel society sees me. Maybe they don't see me as overweight, and not as good as other people. Maybe they see me as normal and I just perceive things wrong. Either way, I am disappointed in myself that I was unable to prove them or myself wrong. I was unable to stand up for the big women and take a stance as a large beautiful woman like queen Latifa or my friend Traci. I fell ashamed that I cannot be a confident large women. I don't feel good in this body and I feel as thought I hide behind this "friend" that has been the source of satisfaction for years. I cant do it any longer. I need to take this fat suit off, step out and show who I truly am.
There is so much excitement for what will come, no end to what I can achieve with my new freedom. There is fear in the surgery, fear of letting go of my friend, fear of who I will be when I stand without my friend by my side. Can I handle this change? I have to... I have to in order to live. I will no longer have excuses to live my life.
Heavenly Father has blessed me with incredible health throughout my life. I am obese but have no health issues aside from back pain. Am I repaying him in the right way by changing how He created my body? At the same time I think that he did not create me to be miserable and fat, he created me to be happy, live, love and learn.
I pray this is the right step, I pray that I can accomplish the task before me and embrace the change. Most of all I pray I can begin to live again.